Some Trigger Warning although this is more about legal action, and decisions made not the traumatic events themselves…
To share more of me and what I’ve learned from life, to be vulnerable and speak up about challenges and transformation… I am sharing some traumatic experiences from my childhood. I believe we can all heal ourselves, AND with support; both aspects. Faith in healing and transformation is what has shown strength and trust in creativity, in possibility. I want to speak up as it’s healing for me to speak my truth and can be difficult for many, myself included. I kind of missed the “me too” boat cause I don’t pay attention to media so much.. And when I found out, felt hesitant to share online as it already had passed. When there is a positive impact or purpose to share the harm we’ve experienced in life I hope you know when and in what context to share yours also. We all carry our crosses to bear and our gems of what inner knowing we have gained. Here goes..
Here is the story of how I was sexually assaulted at a young age and what how my family responded. Fortunately the sexual abuse I experienced at age 3 was short lived. Unfortunately I was very young, the guy was my uncle and protected by other family members, because his father was a senator and cared more about his reputation. Maybe even engaged in similar acts, otherwise why wouldn’t he be more concerned for me as a young child? Fortunately for me and unfortunately (for prosecuting in court) I don’t remember much of it. Some memories are more visceral, not visual and memories and thoughts from that age were related to simply knowing. Fortunately when my parents found out they did something immediately and I was able to see a trauma therapist and they attempted legal prosecution. One thing that’s important to understand about anyone who has been abused sexually/emotionally or physically is that it’s most impactful how others respond to the abuse almost more important than the impact of the abuse itself. I am so grateful my mother and father protected me when they found out. Unfortunately the laws at the time didn’t protect young children or honor their voice as a witness to their own experience. Fortunately I trust the other family members have stand in their karma for lack of accountability and their priority for their political stance/role and “loyalty”. I trust in the universe.
My loyalty is to virtue and to children. Fortunately I do not have a fear or weakness or self absorption that the abuser and family member who protected him have to live and die with. I forgive them for their trauma and ignorance because that is a deeper suffering to live with. The world and divine rights however will serve the lessons needed. Fortunately I’ve awakened to the impacts that conditioned me, healed the wounds whenever it appeared to be needed, embraced my love and sensuality, honored my sexuality with love, understanding deep empathy overall. Fortunately I’ve had therapists and masterful teachers and dedicated my life to healing and transformation. Dance allowed me to feel liberated and consciously embodied, to regenerate any stuck fear into free will. Meditation brought compassion to the forefront of a daily practice that allowed me a greater sense of the scope of suffering people endure, a greater sense of purpose and letting go as well.
Even while my exploration of substances and alcohol put me in vulnerable states and in disassociation when drunk all before the age of 20; leading to having been raped 5 other incidents. A major turning point was when I knew that alcohol had to go. I didn’t want to fall into that hole of denial and codependence on substance use like my mother did. That is another story. There is no real consolation with alcohol (or any addictive substance), just a release into forgetting oneself, and dumbing the senses in reality, reducing the ability to make good choices. Even being sober doesn’t prevent damage that other intoxicated people can dish out recklessly. So I began to make my leave of the drinking party scene and leaned toward dance as my outlet at social gatherings. On the road to choosing more consciously, choosing healing was: meditation, choosing dance as my major in college, support from a trauma specialist I was lucky enough to get for free… Big tip: any adolescence caught underage drinking can get free therapeutic support from the state for their retribution. At least in Wisconsin, in fact I was 19 or 20. Being able to choose that “consequence” of a therapist, was like an angel watching over me! It’s been a deeply beautiful journey to continually choose to rise.
Eventually when I was 18 and again when I was 20 I took a stance with the power of the law and the courts to hold the abuser accountable. My motivation was to protect other children and so it was appropriate to me to have the guy criminally charged, this was my attempt at age 18 when my mother gave me all the documents she had. The District Attourney (who definitely knew my grandfather the Senator and my other uncle who also held a position as an Assemblyman) was the person who could decide whether the case could even be considered, and of course declined. At age 20, I decided something should be done and so since my only other option was a civil case, I began to pursue that. I made it through the depositions with the support of a Pro Bono Lawyer. It was worth it even though the judge decided he would consider the statute of limitations expired. It was up to him and what he considered the “time of discovery” of the crime, likewise with the complications of the law being less protective of this kind of crime at the time it occured. He was fired from his position shortly after attending to my case, I thought that was interesting. And the perpetrator I held accountable, had to pay his lawyer at least 15 thousand dollars, I was told by my lawyer. Likewise, ironically was running for political office and while I didn’t think he had a chance to win, felt it was appropriate the truth about his nature was coming out at least as far as my efforts could be enacted. I wasn’t speaking out publically however the suit was visible, my dad spoke up and other extended family who already knew were giving support. I could only do what I could and so the universe has it’s own way of playing out the impacts of others’ actions. I trust in the divine guidance and that there are real lessons we all are here to realize based on our capacity to realize them.
Now, every time I feel the dissonance of someone else’s disassociation impacting me in an intimate way, friends, family, lovers… it feels sad, yet clear to me where it originates from. While we are all wanting to be happy, we all have wounds and not all of us can see our motives and drives as clearly or feel another with selfless sensitivity. This is why we need each other; to realize. This is why we need boundaries and a conscious embodiment practice to help heal and awaken our potential.
I will be sharing more about how I prioritize conscious embodiment, empathy, boundaries and creative transformation. Being open to possibility rooted in mindsets and empowering values and beliefs we can make a ritual so it becomes a lifestyle. Everyone can meditate and everyone can dance, or choose some physical modality to practice and reap the benefits of the freedom provided in conscious embodiment. I am here to give people confidence in this, in their freedom to move, transform their mind and lifestyle! Let me know if you are called to change your life and anchor an investment in dedicated support from me!